


Nightcrawling

by RMarie124



Series: Ancient Legends [4]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/M, Songfic, With some smut mixed in, established relationship kind of, this is just straight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:40:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22155679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RMarie124/pseuds/RMarie124
Summary: "Kathryn shifts slightly and he freezes, afraid he’s woken her up, afraid that their precarious balance is about to fall to pieces in seconds, but she settles again and he relaxes. He puts his uniform back on, and puts hers in the refresher."Musings from Chakotay and Kathryn on the state of their relationship and what they can and cannot have, versus what they really want.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: Ancient Legends [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1747072
Comments: 11
Kudos: 56
Collections: Friends with Benefits: a Janeway x Chakotay collection, Star Trek: Voyager Fanfics (M)





	Nightcrawling

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off of the song Nightcrawling by Saint Raymond. The first time I heard it, the idea for this fic popped into my head almost immediately. I would recommend listening to it while you read this. It's straight angst, but like the tags suggest, there's some smut in there. 
> 
> The perfect combination for a J/C fic.

Chakotay wakes up before Kathryn’s alarm for Alpha shift, just like every single time they end up like this. His body somehow knows that it has to wake up, or else the consequences would be disastrous. He can’t allow Kathryn to retreat from or regret this. Not when it’s his job to bear her burdens, to make her job easier. It would only make it worse if they were to wake up together, still wrapped up after the previous night’s activities. 

He slips from her bed as gently as he can, a well practiced movement at this point. They’d been sleeping together for almost a year now, and the routine was well established without them having to have any sort of discussion past the acknowledgment that for right now, this was all they could have. The rules made themselves as new situations came up. It usually happened after their weekly dinners, but there were times where they met up more than once a week. He knew that he could go to her, and she knew that she could go to him. They had their special codes and signals. It was simple, and effective. 

Kathryn shifts slightly and he freezes, afraid he’s woken her up, afraid that their precarious balance is about to fall to pieces in seconds, but she settles again and he relaxes. He puts his uniform back on, and puts hers in the refresher. He then folds it and leaves it on her dresser, as he always does, coupled with a note that reads:

_I’ll send a ration over for coffee later this morning to make up for keeping you up so late. -C_

He then checks the hallway to make sure it’s empty, then slips out of her room and out into the corridor. He sighs heavily and walks to his quarters, wishing for what feels like the millionth time that things could be different. They’ve discussed what could happen, and they’ve made a pact that either ten years in or when they got home, they’d start something real. Whichever came first. It was part way through their sixth year, and he was wishing that they’d get home sooner than the ten year mark. 

Inside his quarters, Chakotay strips down to his underwear again and climbs into bed. He lays awake, damning the unfairness of their situation. He knows that Kathryn shares his opinions, and that is what keeps him going. He reminds himself that she too wishes that they could have something real sooner rather than later. He holds that close to his heart, and brings it out when things seem unbearable. 

He doesn’t sleep much at all.

When he wakes, he finds a message from Kathryn, thanking him for the coffee, and saying that dinner will be on her next week. He showers, shaves, and dresses in his fresh uniform, as if putting on his armor. He must play the perfect First Officer during the day, one who is professional, and only slips up occasionally. Kathryn has to do the same thing too, he knows. They are not perfect at this, and he knows that the crew has their suspicions, but he decides that he doesn’t give a fuck. It was bound to happen. 

Breakfast is a blur as usual, as Neelix serves him food, and other staff approaches him for advice or minor reports. Last night was one of the harder nights for him, and he finds his patience is shorter than it usually is, yet somehow he keeps it together. He is finally given a few moments of reprieve where he is able to calm and center himself before heading to the Bridge. 

He takes his place beside the Captain, and turns to see her looking at him with a look he cannot place. She blinks and then shifts into full Captain mode before beginning to discuss the things they need to get done during Alpha shift.

Later that night, he realizes that he had seen how he was feeling reflected in her eyes.

——————

Kathryn is drunk. Dangerously, but blissfully drunk. She allowed herself more wine than usual at the monthly get together in Sandrine’s, and as a result, she is floating aimlessly about her crew, chatting, laughing, and catching up with them. She loves these people dearly, they are her family, and there are times when she wishes that they could continue like this indefinitely. But she knows better than that, and her drive to get home is much stronger. 

She feels Chakotay’s eyes on her from the opposite side of the room. She doesn’t even need to turn around to know it’s him, despite the fact that she does anyway, just to wink at him. He grins, and she grins back, her heart fluttering and heat pooling low in her belly.

She wants him. _Oh God,_ how she wants him. 

Come to think of it, she always does. She always has. Kathryn long ago resigned herself to knowing that she can’t truly have him until they either get home or are out there for ten years, but that hasn’t stopped her from wanting him, and, despite her best efforts, falling in love with him.

She knows that he has similar feelings toward her too, which somehow doesn’t make it better.

He makes his way over to her and she turns to face him, her smile radiant and relaxed. He takes her wine glass out of her hand and takes a drink from it. She remarks that it was a bold move, and he replies that he doesn’t care. His eyes roam her body and her senses beg to her to give in, to get the hell out of there and get them both naked. 

Kathryn tells him she was just about to leave, to sober up and get some reports done before turning in for the night. Just like she always does. Chakotay offers to accompany her, so that he can maybe help her get the work done quicker. Just like he always does. They bid the crew goodnight, and head out of the Holodeck, and towards the ‘lift. Somehow, Kathryn manages to hold herself together until they reach her quarters, at which point she loses her self control and practically pounces on him. 

Chakotay is stunned at first, but he relaxes instantly, both of them falling eagerly into the embrace. Kathryn feels desperate, in more ways than one. She wants him _so_ badly that she feels like she can barely breathe. She also wants to make sure that Chakotay knows, without a doubt, that she loves him. There is a knot in her chest, and she wants to cry but she knows she can’t, so she throws herself into their kiss, giving him everything she has.

_I am yours._ She tries to say through the kiss. _I love you more than you know._

He seems to sense it, because his hands are soft, pulling her dress off, and undoing her hair with such care that she can’t hold back her tears anymore. Chakotay wipes them away, and she looks to find that he is crying too.

“How did we get to be so sad so quickly?” She whispers, wiping away his tears in the same way he did hers.

“There are times that even though we have what we want, we don’t have all of it, and it’s unbearably sad.” He whispers back. 

Kathryn lets out a sob and kisses him deeply, desperately trying to forget that they are both drunk and have just acknowledged more than they should. She hates that she cried, but it is done, and now they are both trying to forget. She pulls at his clothes, touching him everywhere and relishing in the sounds he makes. He lays her gently on her bed and kisses her softly before moving his lips down to her neck, her breasts, her stomach, and eventually settling between her legs. 

She’s wet for him, she always is, and she gasps and moans as his mouth moves over her with precision and care. Soon, her back is arching off the bed as she cries out his name, his hands holding her hips in place so she feels every last aftershock. As soon as he lets her go, she pulls him up to her and lines their hips up, desperate for more of him. 

Somehow, she keeps all the words she wants to say inside as they both reach their peak. She hates that she can’t whisper how much she loves him, how much she wishes they could say _fuck protocol_ and do what they both know they want to, but she knows she can’t, not yet at least. She’s too scared that something will happen. What they have now is a delicate balance, and she doesn’t want to lose him, but she’s partially convinced herself that it’s better this way. That the rules they have in place are there for a reason.

_Three and a half more years, or when we get home. Whichever comes first,_ she tells herself before she drifts into a fitful sleep. 

—————

There’s always going to be days like these, where Kathryn is seething mad, fed up with whatever new threat they’ve had to deal with, fed up with their situation, fed up with her and Chakotay’s situation. She swears she sees everything with a line of red around her vision, even after she’s called off Red Alert. The copious amounts of coffee don’t help either, but what the fuck else is she supposed to do when she gets woken up in the middle of the night and has to be up for eighteen hours dealing with a situation and the resulting repairs? 

She gets so angry that she throws her coffee cup at the wall after all is said and done. A chime at her door a few moments later lets her know that Chakotay heard, or he at least knows something is wrong. _Of course he does,_ she tells herself. She lets him in, and moves to clean up her mess. 

He comes in quietly, letting her take control of the situation. But that isn’t what she wants, not in the slightest. She knows that he knows though, she can see it in the way he’s holding himself. He’s waiting for her to surrender her control on her own terms. 

Kathryn also knows him well enough to know that he needs this too. 

There are nights, like this one, where they are both angry. Kathryn needs to not be in command for once, and Chakotay needs to feel like he has some sort of control. So she lets him have it, because she trusts him implicitly. She wouldn’t otherwise. Plus, who doesn’t need a good fuck after a day like they’ve had?

She takes her pips off, one by one, and lays them on the desk. Chakotay moves to stand beside her and takes his Maquis pip off, laying it next to hers. That was the agreement they had after the first night like this. Taking off their pips was symbolic, to temporarily strip themselves of rank. It gave Kathryn a thrill every single time, knowing that this was dangerously close to breaking every self imposed rule. 

Kathryn turns to face Chakotay, her gaze matching his at equal intensity. He tilts his head in a silent question, and she nods. Then, she lowers her gaze to tell him she is ready.

His hand tilts her chin up so that they’re looking at each other again.

“What do you need, Kathryn?” Even when he’s in control, he makes sure she gets what she wants. Kathryn suspects that that’s what he enjoys, that it’s what gets him off. 

“To forget.” She says. “I don’t want to be aware of anything but you.”

That’s how she finds herself face down on the mattress, her hands grasping furiously at the sheets in front of her, with Chakotay thrusting into her at a relentless pace. She’s sure she’s moaning louder than is advisable, but she doesn’t care because she is loving _every fucking second_ of it. Her body is on fire in the best way, the coil in her lower belly tightening with each thrust. Chakotay’s hands are gripping her hips so tightly they’ll leave bruises, and Kathryn can’t wait to see them reflected back at her in the mirror the next morning. 

Chakotay is saying the most obscene and filthy things to her, knowing full well what it does. He tells her how much he thinks about her between their nights together, and just how good she looks in that position. She knows he won’t say it, but she wants to hear him say that she’s his, and his only. When he tells her in a commanding voice to touch herself, she whimpers loudly and acquiesces immediately. Her climax slams into her seconds later and she screams into the sheets, rocking her hips furiously against his and gasping as she feels him coming inside her. 

He checks in with her, and cleans them both up. It nearly brings tears to her eyes, but she remembers the time they were drunk and where she nearly told him she loves him. They fall asleep soon after, with her curled tightly into his chest, letting the steady beat of his heart lull her into sleep. 

—————

It’s always her quarters, she remarks to herself later that night when Chakotay gets up to leave. And she very well knows why. It’s safer that way. She knows that he does it so that things are more on her ground, and she appreciates him for it. 

She’s kept all the notes, but she’d never tell him that. Not yet, at least. She’s been waking up and pretending to be asleep for months now. It’s always so cold when he leaves, like a part of her is missing. Hearing him dress and put her uniform in the refresher for her always makes something in her ache, wishing more than anything that they could wake up together. She has cried more than once in the early hours of the morning after he leaves.

This morning is no different, no matter how badly she wants it to be. She’s sore from last night and shifts to a more comfortable position, hoping to pass it off as a natural movement. She listens to him put her uniform in the refresher, write a note, and leave her folded uniform on her dresser. Kathryn hears him sigh lightly before he leaves. 

In the darkness of her quarters, tears welling up in her eyes, she whispers to the empty space.

“Stay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so I have a love/hate relationship with that ending because on the one hand I just want them to be happy, and I love writing them happy, but this was also one of my favorite endings that I've ever written. 
> 
> I'm also currently working on a fic for ST: Discovery that I hope to have done soon. I'm still getting the hang of writing for Michael and Ash, so that one is kind of slow going.


End file.
